I've composed 3 short stories, told from the perspective of a woman. Are there any men out there who would care or dare to comment the "male" version of any of them? Ladies...please feel free to post your answers the exact way you would answer these questions if asked. Should be fun to read your stories!
1. So how was your day, should we go out tonight?
"Oh my gosh, it was crazy! So when I first got up, I was having one of those weird puffy face days, you know, the kind that can't be covered with make-up? It sucked! So I had to change my whole outfit to a darker color scheme to try and disguise my fat-face issues. Then I had to change the shoes to go with it. I totally wanted to wear my brown bootie's I had gotten from Macy's, the one's with the mini-gold buckles, but I had to wear the long boots, the black pair I got from Payless with the silver buckle because I couldn't find both booties... Anyway, the outfit was mostly black so I couldn't do the booties anymore anyway. So I started off being totally frustrated before I even got to work!
"Okay, I get to work and the ONE DAY hot Mike even looks in my direction I look like a dumpster-diving, rat-haired frickin' mismatching idiot! had to wear my black-pants suit and it was supposed to be 87-degrees, if I didn't mention that already. Then my face makes me look like a chipette who's storing her nuts for the winter in my cheeks and when he waved at me, oh Gawsh, I wanted to pass out! Instead, I decide I'm going to play it cool right, because I've been reading that one book, How To Snag a Guy in 10 Days so I go to lean against the wall near the vending machine so I can casually wiggle my fingers back at him, a gesture that would acknowledge him but not look desperate, and I miss! The wall! I missed and leaned right over into the floor! I mean thank goodness I was wearing pants at that moment because my feet were in the air solidifying my "I'm-the-worlds-biggest-idiot" look! I don't think the guy is EVER going to give me a second glance now. It's all so stupid, it's like whatever could go wrong did!
"I made my way back to my desk like a conquered animal, I didn't even get my fruit bar from the vending machine, all I had was my sat-over-night-half-gone Coke can sitting there and I really didn't care, so I take a swig and I don't know what I swallowed, but it wasn't pure liquid...I don't even want to think about it, but it was a tiny chunk of nastiness that is now floating around in my stomach. What if it was a fly? Can I die from swallowing a fly? I read once that every time a fly lands on ANYTHING, it throws up. Do you think it landed on my Coke, threw up and fell in? That would mean I swallowed a fly and poopy throw-up since that's what they eat!
After all that, I had to wait until the end of the day to get my paycheck, which is never enough as you know and I get home and Sparky chewed up my Macy's bootie!!!! Those things were like $200, so now, even when I do find the other one, I can't stinking wear the things! My highlights are dull, my tan is faded, my mani-pedi is looking a little rough and my best shoes are trashed. If we did go out tonight, the only kind of hot I will be is a hot mess and I just can't handle that right now! How about...how about next week when I can take care of myself and get my puffer-fish face under control? I mean, look, it's like a bee sting me or something?! Why is my life so complicated?!"
2. What did you eat for lunch today?
"Well, first I have to say, I was craving pasta like no other but being that we only get a 30 minute break and all the good pasta spots are sit down restaurants I had to settle for some Jack In the Box. So I'm thinking I can run in, grab a few $1 tacos and leave with enough time to get back to the job and actually eat the dang things. Did that happen? Of course not! First of all, the drive-thru line is ridiculous and that's fine since I planned on going in anyway. I get in there and I'm thinking, nice, there's only two people in front of me. So, it's my turn...I order my tacos and I'm waiting with the rest of the people who were in front of me and people start trickling in from outside talking about how their orders from the drive-thru were wrong, or cold or whatever and the guy keeps helping them, one after another, while the people who came inside in the first place are still standing there waiting! I had to say something of course, but he just acted like whatever, it's not my lunch break. I was so pi-assed the when I finally got my order, I had been there for 35 minutes! I was late getting back from my lunch, got a write up and STILL didn't even get to eat my tacos. Lunch sucked today!"
3. You went to Victoria's Secret today? Cool, what did you buy?
"Yeah, I did but let me tell you how ridiculous the whole thing was. As soon as I got to the mall it was like some holiday was happening and I seemed to be the only one on a global level that didn't know about it! So I get there and the parking lot is packed! After driving around in circles for about 30 minutes, I finally caved to the valet and paid $8 stinking dollars just to get my car parked. So I went in, already slightly perturbed right and then as I'm heading to Victoria's some kid that this woman was walking with in front of me was screaming and yelling for whatever stupid reason, I have no idea, but I'm thinking really? You can't control that? Dude, if my kid EVER and I mean EVER acted like that in public, it would be on because there's just no way I would put up with that. So I start to walk around the dramatic meltdown and the brat throws his stupid soft serve ice cream at me! Now, I don't like calling kids brats, but I'm telling you, this was one bad little boy and I don't think he was over 4 years old, he was pretty young. If today were any indication of what his future was going to be like, he was going to go to prison one day because his mom obviously didn't discipline him at home and that never ends well with kids. Now I have to go to the restroom and get some wet paper towels to wipe off the Picasso looking décor job this kid did on my pants and head to the place I came for in the first place! I finally arrive, half-wet, looking like I had peed on myself and I'm browsing through the racks until I finally find some cute little thing to try on. After slipping this soft silky material over my head, I discover my pants aren't the only thing that were effected by ice cream. My thighs were screaming at me from the mirror and I had to take off my cute little garment and go find the next size up-it was ludicrous! Whatever, I find the thing in my new plus-size and went ahead and took my less-than-happy butt home. I will not go back there for a long time! Oh, I bought this emerald green teddy and a bottle of their fragrance, but that was doing too much for two items."
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